Last night around 10:30 we started eating shrooms. I ate four grams and then split a fat joint with one other person. About 20-30 mins later I started to feel…different. We walked back to my room, and while we were walking down the hall, it felt like the walls had a greenish, ghoulish glow cast over them, and they seemed distorted, like they weren’t flat but round and alive.
When we got back to my room, I sat down, and after that, every thing becomes a blur. I began to sink farther and farther away from reality. Everything I saw was divided up into swirling visual patterns. The table seemed light years away, my arm felt long and elastic when I tried to reach for the water glass. Everyone else was laughing but I was overcome by an inability to grasp conversation, let alone sanity. I felt I was surely going insane. I knew everyone else was much less consumed than me, they seemed happy-go-lucky and content, whereas I felt completely ungrounded. I tried so hard to mentally grasp onto the room. I kept thinking “I know this room. The couch is here, and the kitchen is there. I know where I am.” But I didn’t. The space felt foreign and I felt zoomed out into a different galaxy. My friends would talk to me and it seemed like gibberish, I tried to respond but I would stutter and stumble and often not be on the same page as them whatsoever. For the first while, I felt my ego slowly dying. I had been trying so desperately to cling onto my sanity, I kept trying to act normal, but I couldn’t speak or comprehend anything. I felt like everyone was laughing at me and became more and more stunned by how crazy I felt. Eventually I was so spaced out that when my friends left I could barely figure out how to stand up and hug them, or say any words. I couldn’t register facial expressions. I had mentally checked out. I was too consumed with the other dimension I had slipped into. The walls were the blending of past and present, I was spinning in a timeless, spaceless vortex of nowhere.
Around 1:00 am it was just my girlfriend and I, and she asked what I wanted to do. I didn’t know. I was confused about where my other friends had gone, and I kept walking around my apartment, trying to establish how I felt. My mouth was INTENSELY dry, and I kept saying “I’m thirsty.” But no matter how much water I drank, my mouth was not any less uncomfortable. I started to feel sick, mainly because I felt so ungrounded and fragmented in every way. I also felt paranoid that I was sweating like crazy, but I was FREEZING. I couldn’t decide whether I was hot or cold. It was terrifying. I had no way of understanding how I felt. On top of that, I no longer remembered what I had taken, I literally couldn’t remember that I did mushrooms! Bits of words and noises were floating in my head, nothing made sense. Finally, I lied down on my bed. I would lie down and take a sudden breath. I began to understand I was dying. I was dying. I told my girlfriend, “I think I’m dying.” She was sort of laughing, but also looked concerned. She told me of course I wasn’t dying. But I was SURE I was approaching death. I lied on my bed but I kept looking back to the door. I kept double-taking the fact I was still alive. Every breath I took I was sure was my last. So when it wasn’t, I just didn’t understand why. In the back of my mind I vaguely remembered people reporting a similar sensation of death while on shrooms, but it didn’t comfort me at all, or lessen my positivity that I was indeed nearing death.
My girlfriend comforted me and eventually I just lied there, expecting to eventually float away from my body and die. I was so disoriented that I literally couldn’t do anything to feel better, so I started to warm up to the fact that I was definitely dying. My heart was beating fast and I sat there. I felt I was learning the very essence of zen. I was looking death in the eye and saying, Fine. I’m dying. So what? I calmed down and started vibrating at a completely balanced frequency. I no longer feared death. Dying has always been a fear for me, and so to lose that was incredible. It just didn’t matter at all anymore. My entire body was vibrating. There was no time. I was 100% present. I was sitting with all of my grief and confusion and sickness and feeling calm and aware. Though this felt like hours, it was only maybe 10 or 15 minutes max.
When I realized I was still alive, an immediate bliss washed over me. I zoomed back into a much clearer state and could speak and function again. I spent the rest of the night marveling at the distorted shadows of my room and talking with my girlfriend. I felt the most genuine happiness to be alive and sharing the moment with her. The night ended with a sense of spiritual strength. I feel that I was spiritually reborn last night.
As negative as this trip may sound, I learned how to attain the very deepest zen. You need to feel insanity before you can feel peace of mind, or at least, I think so. Mushrooms are always a question mark. You just gotta be ready to ride the roller coaster of your mind.
namaste, everyone <3 thanks for reading.